Showing posts with label the more you know. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the more you know. Show all posts

Communication is Key

So...what's your pleasure?

Please put what you or others consider "normal" from your mind! There are always going to be kink shamers that try to say these things are okay and these kinds aren’t. All this focus on what counts as normal, right, proper sex (and what isn't "okay") takes us from the route of what we might like to explore or what tweaks our tweak.
So the first step is to try to ignore all the things you’ve learned or believed/heard about ‘normal sex’ and all the things you've "heard" is "amazing sex" and focus on what YOU would actually like to do. That might include kink or at least kink as foreplay. 
People are into all different kinds of things. For example you might enjoy TPE/controlling another and never go near being submissive or impact play. Or vice versa. . Nobody should ever tell you that your motivations or preferences are any less valid that anyone else’s. One day you may find you want to be in charge and the next day on your knees.
Communicate it!

If you’re not sure what you’re into you can check out  kinky videos, erotic fiction, or various BDSM websites and see what gets your attention. Another idea is a yes, no, maybe list - of if things sound interesting. If you can't find a good one, I have one I will gladly send you to help you explore!
Preferences and desires often change over time, and with experience. You should re-examine your ideas/kinks from time to time. Some people write, and update, a kind of ‘user manual’ for themselves to give partners a longer explanation of how they – and their body – work. One particularly important thing to get across is any ‘hard limits’ (things that go beyond no interest but are a "hell no") and ‘triggers’ (things that will upset/cause a reaction in you) you’re aware of so that partners know what they really shouldn't do or say.
Safewords are a good idea - traditional BDSM uses Red, Yellow and Green...during a check in green, like a stoplight is "all good." Yellow meaning this is on the edge of limitations and Red is a "safeword" or "STOP"
However, with your partner you can come up with your own terminology where if something is new or if something with the One I answer to a "no no" (meaning it isn't going to happen under any circumstances - a beyond negotiable hard limit) 
The absolutely key thing with all of this is to create conditions under which whatever you do is most likely to be consensual for all concerned. Speak up! "I'd like to try this..." Or "I'd like it if you did this to me." If the session is virtual (most of our worlds are at a minimum partially virtual.) "I'd like to feel this way." "It would be great if you could do this for me." (Examples might be guided masturbation, setting up a schedule for a sub, or even a session of no holds-barred kinky talk.)
Main thing is communicate! Whether with a vanilla partner or with your Dom/me or sub, no one reads minds. Convey what you're thinking and what you'd like (you'll be surprised!) If they are your partner, they are going to want you pleased/to feel good (yes even Dom/mes like when they deliver pleasure.)
Hope that helps! Now go communicate!

"The Washcloth incident" try not to judge people (true story, starring Yours Truly)

A brief preface:

Not long after your favorite Dominatrix was mother was in a horse-back riding incident. Her back was broken/vertebrae had to be fused. She was able to walk in time, but needless to say lifting, handling and even playing with (on the ground etc) a baby was...challenging. So, Yours Truly had a Nanny. (No, not some ninny college kid but a true blue Nanny from Sussex!) She said she spoke in poor Cockney, but you couldn't tell me the sun didn't rise for Nana...she smelled of menthol cigarettes and tea. She was quite rough around the edges but she taught me an awful lot. A real member of the family...(this matters, you'll see the connect shortly)

So, Nana was responsible for all of the heavy lifting of raising me from newborn essentially to about 6. Bathing, feeding, playing, get the picture.

Fast forward: I am 18 years old, I moved out right after I turned 18...I am in my own apartment and attending Jr. College (don't get excited, this isn't a Domme year to that...) but my dear friend (since age 11 or so-ish) comes over,  she is Mormon, not that it's here nor there. Her family raised her conservatively of course, but I was raised in the strict German ways. Needless to say, we could always relate. I digress, my friend comes over to stay the night with me. We are having a grand time in my new apartment, got a pizza was going to watch some nonsense on the television - a girls night! 
A great time is had, then it's time for bed. She wants to shower before bed so I direct her to my towel cupboard - nice new clean white towels (you can bleach towels!!) She comes out and asks me where the washcloths are? I am confused, "Washcloths?" I explain to her I didn't bother to get any as I don't use them (and I really didn't outside of to wash my face and take off makeup.)

The next day her mother was coming to pick us up to take us to their church (long standing tradition) and sometime during all that she explained to her mom that I didn't grasp the point of a washcloth. Her mom comes over (I found some 7up to offer her) and explains to me the full proper usage of a washcloth, in a motherly, non-demeaning way. (True story!) As it turns out: Nana thought my mom talked to me and taught me "how to wash" and my mom thought Nana "taught me how to wash"

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't smelly or gross, I'd take a bath daily, soak and use my hands to suds EVERYWHERE (you know what I mean!) but now I know the mystery of these damnfangled little squares...

Fast forward nearly 20 years and I'm talking to a buddy on the phone...turns out his parter didn't use washcloths either --

I think the reason I am sharing this is: even with the best of grooming and intentions -- things fall through the cracks (pun intended). Things get overlooked or simply not taught. You never know why someone does things so differently from you. Culture? Religion? Never taught? All possibilities...

So, when someone does something different from you, pause for a moment--have some empathy and remember DJ.

Self Care - for everyone, not just subs.

Here is one thing I know for sure: people are on edge.

I don't mean the usual crunch time, make ends meet kind of stress edge -- but instead like one whack comment from snapping edge.

Is it the political climate?


But, rather than analyze the "why" of it let's make this a positive.

1. Make a point of taking time away from your screens. For every hour, I challenge you to spend 10-15 minutes outside or sitting quietly with your eyes closed (meditation/prayer/relaxing.)

2. Hydrate: I know I for one drink way too much coffee. Coffee is a natural diuretic, so those of us that enjoy our coffee or tea, should double up on our water. You should drink half your weight in ounces.

3. Organize: loosely plan tomorrow. What am I wearing? What is the "loose" to-do's for tomorrow? What will be for dinner tomorrow?

4. Plan ahead: things may not go as planned. Make your bed when you get up. Start the dishwasher or laundry. Do things ahead of time ahead when you have some spare moments.

5. Make one day a week to do exactly what you want to do - not need to do, or should do -- if that means being a couch potato, so be it! If that means staying in bed all day? Good for you! If you want to watch a movie-a-thon or read....go for it. Do what will recharge you and refresh your spirit.

Also, I encourage you to take deep breaths.

We are a society of breath holders, and it isn't good for us.

Bratting - why it isn't always cute

I am going to step out on a thin branch right here and say something point blank: Bratting isn't cute, and I am beginning to associate it with time wasters. Bratting can easily cross the line from being "fun" to "poke at the Domme" to where the sub is just badly behaved. There is nothing worse than someone who wastes my time! These will be people that send little hellos here and there, or promise that they will be in contact soon only to bonk off again...Ones that say....oh I'll call later tonight and try to get me to chat a scene (which is possible) but it requires INTERACTION....and of course...there's always the freebie seekers...but I digress.. The worst ones, however, are the ones that W/we are forming a BDSM relationship -- something doesn't align with their petty selfish ways and they either "ghost" altogether or try to regain some margin of control with their behavior...this can be trying to buy their way out (many gifts, hefty tributes and gift cards) or by trying to put on a good behavior "show" (leaving feedback everywhere, re-tweeting everything, etc) While I'm not one to turn down either...they don't make up for poor behavior.

As a sub, you are not in control of the scene, the situation or the relationship.

Read that again.

Your hard limits will be respected. Your lines will be pushed and I'll take you for the ride of your life;


"Bratting" to get my attention

"Bratting" because things aren't developing as YOU want them

"Bratting" to delay/change something

is atrocious.

It wastes MY time and yours.

Also....when I've given people multiple chances, and even pulled them back into the fold a few times and they continue to play games...I let them go. I deal with a few subs, as you can imagine, I simply cannot afford (timewise) one that is attempting to garnish all of my time with their poor behavior

Here is a good article for you sassy-fucks out there:

It does clarify the line of bratting vs being a badly behaved sub.

...but am i?

Something that came to mind today while I was on the phone and creating some mp3's. Many of my callers seem to have a genuine fear or concern that "they are the only one" that ever thought _______

9.7 /10 times they are not...very rarely does someone come up with something so out there, so unique I've not heard of it before...

so this is for you: the new caller, the new sub, the new seeker....(capitalization based on BDSM protocols) This isn't a real life conversation/poem, but it could heart breaks for those that feel alone and it is one more reason I do what I do.

...but am i??

i seek to serve a Domme, one who will be my Goddess;

a beauty with wisdom beyond my comprehension.

A Woman so clearly out of my league, yet i'm compelled;

compelled to reach out to seek Her.

i find Her, a wonder with grey eyes and a quick wit.

One who speaks very matter-of-factly but isn't cruel.

but...i have a secret.

i've not spoken of it to anyone.

i like to wear panties and pretend i'm a girl.

i call this Marvel; She listens--without interruption to my tale.

i ask her rhetorically, "It seems that i must be the only one that does this??"

She is thoughtful, choosing words like daggers to throw precisely.

"No, there are many men that wish to be a woman and visa- versa.

rarely is someone so far  out there that they are the only one."

i voice cracking...."but am i?"

...give us dirty laundry...

Why is it that scandals sell?

Why is it that drama and bad news is what we want to hear??

If  it's violence...if it's sexual....if it's "bad news"....

hell, even if it's "made up" or as #45 would say "fake news" we eat that shit up...

I mean National Enquirer and tabloids make piles fabricating all kinds of things...

I say, look for the good news of the day.

Clothespins and BDSM

Clothespins can be a wonderful addition to BDSM play and are relatively easy to learn how to use. Many new comers to BDSM start with things like clothespins. Clothespins are usually used to give the sensation of pain to certain body parts. They can create many sensations and even increase the intensity of orgasm. With some caution and imagination clothespins can be used in any number of deviously enjoyable ways.

Most frequently, clothespins are used on the tits, especially on nipples. Clothespins can be placed on the nipples in many positions. You can start from clothespins pointing straight onto the nipple, not from the side, gripping the base of the nipple, not the tip. This does not have the same sort of ‘bite’ as grasping the nipple alone may, and often does wonderful things for sensitivity without causing pain. Pointing straight out is an especially deviant way to clothespin your partner.
You can clamp the nipple only, or work gradually out from the areola as your partner’s ability to enjoy more increases. The soft flesh under the nipple is a great place to experiment. You can also clothespin on sideways, with the nipple centered in the the hole in the clamping area. If you do this far enough back on the nipple base or areola, the tip of a large nipple will remain exposed for other things, such as ice, nibbling, or smaller clips and clamps.

The nipple is the classical place to begin practice of clothespin play.. But many areas of the body might do well with a bit of clamping either for sensation or visual appeal. There are other parts to decorate your body with clothespins such as inner thighs, the webbing between toes and fingers, scrotum, along the shaft of a penis, labias, clitoris, behind the knees and inside the elbows, and even the tonge. Generally, the clothespins can be used on any part of the body where you can ‘pinch’ up a fold of skin for the clothespins to grab.

A chain that runs through a pair or set of clothespins will add to the enjoyment. As your partner moves, the chain will cause the part of the body the clothespin is attached to move as well, creating a wonderful sensation of weight and pain. You can create a row, circle on the belly or back, a belt of clothespins round the waist, a circle round the thighs as a reminder to keep them spread, etc.

Don’t allow any clamping device to remain in place longer than 20 minutes maximum! The clothespins create the erotic sensations by cutting off the blood circulation. The whole idea of clamping is creating condensed erotic pain when the blood flow starts recirculating back into the unclamped tissues. When left in place too long, or placed where they can crush or damage tissue and internal structures, such as the delicate blood vessels of the penile shaft or the hood of the clitoris, watch out! Never clamp any piece of flesh near to dense blood vessels, to avoid damaging nerves, or internal structures, such as the corpus cavernosum and corpus spongiosum of the penis, and tissues of the clitoral hood in women. Any damage to these structures can be permanent and cause lifelong pain and suffering.
Stay safe and sane by removing the clothespins until you are more familiar with how your partner’s body responds to them.

Pulling off a clothespin is more painful than squeezing the legs to remove it gently. Taking the closthepins off causes a stronger rush of pain than putting them on. That’s because the blood is rushing back to that area of the body. If your partner is anxious, instruct him or her to take a deep breath and gently squeeze the legs of the wooden closthespin until it comes off.

Image result for clothespin

Facets of Mistress DJ

I am always intrigued when guys are surprised to find out or discover another facet of "me."

include religious beliefs, experiences, musical taste, vanilla hobbies etc. So, to help you boys out here is a getting to know me!!

#1 Are you an animal lover or would you avoid keeping animals at home?
Are you kidding?? I am a crazy cat lady!! I also have two dogs...I would have more critters if I could figure out how!

#2 Do you like summer or winter?
Summer all the way -- I hate being cold.

#3 Would you diet or would you work out?
Work out, I like my food.

#4 What do you wear to bed?
If it's not snowy/cold outside: nothing or a t shirt -- if it's cooler a proper sexy nightie

#5 What’s your favorite clothing brand?
ummm??? *rattles brain trying to think of a brand* um there is a shirt -- gildian or something like that -- it's super soft -- got a t shirt from a fundraiser for's really really soft so whoever that company is.

#6 When was the last time you cried?
a few minutes ago -- watching the Revolution reunited shortly after Prince's death.

#7 Which color reflects your personality and why?
hmm -- rich brown, coral, sunny yellow -- sometimes black.
rich brown -- I'm down to earth -- coral - my name dawn has corals and pinks, sunny yellow I'm blonde and black is classic

#8 In the animal kingdom, which animal would you be?
hmmm something that sits up in a tree or in a cave and watches others

#9 Do you like tattoos and body piercing?
sure -- on other people.

#10 How much PDA is acceptable? 
depends on the situation

#11 How often do you take a shower?
shower?? maybe daily -- bath definitely daily

#12 What are your favorite magazines?
stuff with peoples true stories in them

#13 What are your favorite books?
Stephen king anything...yaya sisterhood is a favorite...

#14 What’s your favorite movie?
currently?? anything with either Anakin Skywalker or Darth Vader (Star Wars)

#15 What’s your favorite music you’re listening to these days?
Country - Blake Shelton

#16 What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?
I don't drink

#17 What’s your favorite vacation idea?
anywhere with a beach

#18 What’s your favorite food?
Toast, second round draft pick is cheese curds, third is chicken strips

#19 Who’s your favorite actor?
bullshit - I want three: James Spader, Joaquin Phoenix, Danny DeVito (there's probably more but I'd totally love to be the fluff in that fluffernutter sammich!)

#20 If you found a briefcase of money on the street, would you keep it?
Who are you and what do you know? I would turn it in to local authorities.

#21 Are you religious?
Yes, Sabbath keeping Christian (but not a member of any one "doctrine".)

#22 Are you a gizmo person?
like the gremlin? do I like fidget spinners? what the fuck?
I tinker sometimes? I don't know what this wants from me!!!

#23 What kind of sport do you like?
running, golf, football, basketball...

#24 Clubbing or candlelight dinner?
eesh?? those are my only picks??? I guess dinner...

#25 Earth Hour or Fourth of July fireworks?
Who writes these??? what is earth hour?? I guess fireworks though I don't like loud noises.

#26 Backpacking or a luxury hotel?

#27 Christmas or Halloween?
Neither? I guess Christmas out of the two...

#28 Are you a morning person?
not. at. fucking. all.

#29 What’s your philosophy in life?
Try not to be a dick.

#30 When was the last time you were happy you lied?
Spared someone's feelings that wanted to go on a date.

#31 What comes to your mind when you think of your exes? 
Men can be unreliable and icky.

#32 Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
both at times?

#33 What’s your idea of romance?
spontaneous gestures. it doesn't fit in a box.

#34 Would you like to live in the countryside or in a metropolitan area?
I don't ever want to live in the city again.

#35 When did you lose your virginity?
oh jeez, next question??? I was in my 20's

#36 What’s your favorite body part of the opposite sex?
Eyes and brain (tie)

#37 What’s the wildest thing you’ve done sexually? 
Now, you're asking a Domme this! In the dungeon?? probably something that required the sybian or fucking machine (someone else) personally?? probably involved being outside...

#38 Do you think money can buy happiness?
not at all - usually causes more issues.

#39 The world would be a better place if…?
people were more empathetic

#40 Do you have any social causes that are close to your heart?
Animals, sex-trafficked people (not in the industry by choice), endangered species

#41 What do you do over the weekends?
Same thing I do everyday -- try to take over the world. Usually on Niteflirt -- housework, yard work...sit in the sun when it's around...

#42 Would you mind if I had a best friend of the opposite sex?
nah, if you were my partner -- you know where your bread is buttered.

#43 Which was the worst phase in your life?
high school

#44 What was the happiest moment in your life?
too many to count -- probably sometime dancing outside

#45 Do you judge a book by its cover?
a book book? maybe. People? no.

#46 What’s your political stance?
libertarian -- Morally I really could care less about what the fuck people want to's all want to marry same sex?  doesn't affect me. You didn't mean to get pregnant and want an abortion? doesn't affect me. Those choices affect parties involved...Financially I don't think the government should get 5% of what they currently take.

#47 Do you watch porn and what’s your view on it?
Sometimes -- usually sent to me -- it's overrated and sets people up for disappointment (expectations) it's a movie -- pretend...some of it's interesting I suppose...good way for people to convey to me what they like -- what I like in porn is pretty limited.

#48 Do you believe in karma?
oh yes, it's real. It's in every religion too.

#49 Do you plan your life or live for the moment?
Try to plan...but shit happens.

#50 Do you think life is fair?
I think life is what you make it.

#51 If you were marooned on an island, what are the five things you would take with you? 
the Bible, a way to have safe water (pot to boil or something) a way to make fire (flint/steel) a sharp tool (axe/machete etc) and a ready to go boat? lol

#52 Would you sulk or would you confront?

#53 Are you addicted to anything?

#54 Any current news that’s caught your attention?
government shutdown.

#55 What are your favorite apps that you use often?
line play, snoopy town, twitter, facebook

#56 Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

#57 What do you have for breakfast?
varies daily -- today was oatmeal

#58 How often do you make your bed?
hee hee -- I have minions for that!! j/k I spread it up daily -- make it once a week when sheets get changed.

#59 If you knew you were right, would you take a stand even if you know you would make a scene in public or would you let it go?
call me ms scenemaker

#60 What’s an absolute no-no in a relationship?
unspoken infidelity.