the importance of aftercare.

All scenes, no matter what their focus is, should include some kind of aftercare component. In its most basic form, aftercare can be thought of as the willingness to support your partner after a play session to ensure return to an everyday state of mental and emotional equilibrium (Dexter, 2012). This time is used to provide comfort and support to both players. It signals to both parties that they are valued and appreciated (A Submissive's Journey, 2013) and is one of the distinctions between engaging in BDSM and abuse (Peyton, 2013).

BDSM scenes, no matter where they range from pain causing elements to mental power exchanges, can change a person's headspace and include a certain high caused by endorphins flooding the blood stream (Fox, 2012). These endorphins are joined by other neurotransmitters such as dopamine. As endorphins inhibit the pain receptors, the brain floods with dopamine which activates the reward center and fills you with euphoria. When the dopamine levels subside in the brain, a neurochemical called prolactin is released. Research has shown that prolactin is a stress hormone that keeps the dopamine levels in your brain in check; this neurochemical has been linked to feelings of depression and alienation (SirReal, 2007). It is easily understandable why coming from this high can cause some players to feel emotional and in need of some type of support, physical or otherwise (BedroomBondage, 2013). Engaging in aftercare can strongly increase the intimacy between two players and while often geared towards the bottom, it benefits the top as well (Peyton , 2013).

Regrettably when people first get into kink, and sometimes even with experienced players, aftercare is not something that is discussed or done. You may also be without a reliable play partner or perhaps playing with someone at a public event and this aspect is overlooked. Aftercare may also be overlooked if playing with an online partner (Abode, 2013). In case of emergencies, it is good to have your own aftercare kit (lunaKM, 2009).

If you need to do your own aftercare be sure to take care of your immediate physical concerns and treat any injuries. You may wish to clean up a bit, use the bathroom, change into more comfortable clothes. Once this is taken care of, be sure to have a bite to eat and some water. Foods chosen should help give you a boost and rebalance your hormones; good choices could include: chocolate, fruit juice, energy bars, fresh or dried fruit, nuts, herbal tea or hot chocolate (Abode, 2013).

After this initial phase, ensure that you have a safe way home, presuming you are not home already. If you are unsure if you are driving after half an hour, check your pupils in the mirror to see if they are highly dilated. If you are still feeling out of it, consider calling a friend or a taxi to get home. When you get home ensure to stay hydrated and stay warm. You can try some yoga or stretching. If you are feeling social, meet up with some friends (Abode, 2013).

It can be helpful to take a good dose of vitamins after play to help promote healing and reduce any lingering negative emotions (Abode, 2013). This can be a helpful alternative to having someone to cuddle with, it will not be the same but it can help.

Why Have an Aftercare Kit?

Aftercare is an important part of seeing to the physical, mental, and emotional health of you and your play partner. When you are packing up your kink toys, it is easy to have an aftercare kit ready to go. This is a great idea because it ensures you will have what you are likely to need no matter where you are. It also shows your partner that you are thinking ahead and ensuring safe play.

What Should Be In Your Aftercare Kit?

You should tailor this pack to the type of play you are engaging in or your play partner as different items may be needed. There are some items that you may wish to consistently keep in your kit as they will always be applicable such as a blanket or first aid kit. Some suggestions of things that you might wish to consider placing in your pack:

Small snack - It is common for people to get hungry after the release of endorphins. Someone's blood sugar may drop during play as well so it is always a good idea to have something for you or your partner to munch on afterward. It can also help return someone to a everyday world state of mind by grounding them.

Water/sports drink bottle - You or your partner may get dehydrated during the play session. Staying hydrated is an important part of being safe during a play scene.

Ice/Heat pack - Ice packs can be used to cool down and reduce bruising by applying them to the impact area. You may also want a heat pack for any potential injuries

First Aid supplies - Always a good idea to have a first aid kit on hand

Blanket/bathrobe - It can be common for people to feel cold after the endorphins of the play session ebb.

Change of warm, comfortable clothes - After an intense play session, you or your partner may wish to relax in something warm and comfortable. It can also be more comfortable to cuddle.

Warm socks - To ensure you or your partner remains warm enough

Sterilization/wet wipes - Depending on type of play you do, these can be great for quick clean up.

Incense/scented candles - A calming and soothing scent can add to creating a relaxing aftercare environment

Journal - You or your partner may wish to record feelings or thoughts of what went well or things that can be improved.

Stuffed animal - If you or your partner wants one for comfort

Vitamin E/K cream or Arnica gel - These creams can be used to reduce existing bruises after impact play

Tube of heparinoid - Found in first aid sections and has several brand names. Used to increase blood flow and reduce bruising and inflammation from occurring

Customize Your Kit

What you choose to include in your aftercare kit should be dependent on the type of play that you and your partner typically engage in as well as the aftercare needs of your partner. There is more than one way to carry out aftercare and you should discuss what will make you and your partner the most comfortable.

It's so nice to be appreciated...

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when you wish....you were "one of the cool kids"

Realize instead that:

Challenge for the new year:

Be happy in your own skin!

1. Get real.

Do the work to get clear about who you are—not just who you routinely consider yourself to be, the person you habitually show the world—but who you are in the deepest recesses of your authentic heart and soul.
The word “authenticity” is misunderstood sometimes. People think of it as a virtue, like honesty . . . like you owe the world your authenticity and you should feel bad if you’re not authentic. That’s not the case. I’m not suggesting you should become more authentic because it will make you a better person—you already are a phenomenal person. I’m telling you that becoming more authentic is your golden ticket—to joy, to success, to vibrant health and energy, to easily manifesting the life of your dreams. It’s every bit that transformative. You’re not doing this to better serve the world; you’re doing it to better serve you. But—happy bonus!—it happens to be the best way to serve your loved ones and the world as well.

2. Adore YOU.

If you’ve been on a personal development path for a while, I’m probably not the first to suggest that you need to love yourself. But I’m surprised to discover how often my students don’t really seem to know why I’m so insistent on that point. Are you tired of hearing about how you need to love yourself more? Does the thought of it feel kind of like of a burden—one more thing to check off your To-Do list? Does the whole concept feel a bit worn-out and cliché? Maybe you just need to understand what’s in it for you. Self-love is the fastest route to literally anything you want right now. Money, love, health, romance . . . it all hinges on your level of self-love. The circumstances of your life are always providing you a crystal-clear, precisely accurate measure of how much you love yourself and what you believe you deserve. All you can ever create is what you believe you’re worthy of experiencing. It’s an immutable energetic law. That’s why elevating self-love is the not-so-secret path to elevating everything else.

3. Trust your wants.

Stop trying to justify and rationalize your most heartfelt desires. Your desires are the clearest indicator of who you are. Denying them is denying you. No one needs to understand why you want what you want. You don’t even need to understand it yourself. Just trust it, and trust yourself to manifest it. The reason you don’t already have everything you want is crazy-simple. You don’t love yourself enough yet to deeply believe that you deserve everything you want. My students argue that sometimes, but they always discover it’s true. You might even believe, on a conscious level, that you do deserve a certain thing, but I promise you that if you were fully, wholly believing you deserved it—even in the cobwebby corners of your unconscious belief system—it would already be in your life.

4. Stop trying to vanquish the “bad stuff.”

And stop whining about it, too. Celebrate our unwanted circumstances because there’s so much valuable information for us in them. Get clear on why your unwanted circumstances are here and why you created them. Then use them as a springboard. Once you can start genuinely thanking “the bad stuff”, it’s pretty easy to move past it.

5. Take responsibility.

Own every last drop of everything you’ve ever created. We’re so conditioned to blame our unwanted circumstances on other people, or on the “system” or the world . . . What if it’s really all within your control? Taking full responsibility for the life you’ve created for yourself and the life you’re in the process of creating is hugely empowering. But it requires first getting uber-honest to a degree that’s terrifying for most people. Don’t be “most people.” Understanding that you alone are holding the reins on your life is the first critical step toward learning how to operate them.

6. Stop tolerating.

Tolerating is slow emotional suicide. It sucks the life out of you, drains your energy, numbs you, depletes you, and keeps you immobilized. There’s no reason for you to ever tolerate anything. We sometimes confuse tolerating with accepting—we all know it’s good to accept the things we can’t change, right? If we make very clear distinctions between what can be changed and what can’t, then it’s astounding the kinds of life-altering adjustments people are able to easily, joyfully make when they understand the underlying reasons they’ve been tolerating things.

7. Get out of the spin cycle.

Where in your life are you on autopilot, creating the same situation for yourself (in essence) over and over again? Maybe you keep dating the same romantic partner. Maybe the current model is better looking, or more successful, or slightly more open than the one before, but in essence you’re with a lover who triggers your tried-and-true insecurities, defense mechanisms, and familiar unhealthy spirals. Or maybe you find yourself in the same employment dynamic over and over again—even if you change careers completely. Maybe you’ve attracted a series of supervisors, or a series of friends, who stir up the not-good-enough feelings a parent invoked for you as a child. Escape the spin cycle by learning how to look closely at how these patterns develop and how to benefit from the opportunities they offer.

8. Permanently shift your beliefs.

Focus on the deliberate rewiring of your belief system because your beliefs are determining everything you experience as your reality. That’s not New-Age speak anymore; it’s common knowledge. It’s why researchers always have to use placebo control groups whenever they test any drug. If they don’t have a group taking a sugar pill, their findings won’t be considered valid by the agencies that govern pharmaceuticals. In pain-control experiments, when a new pain pill is tested, fully half of the sufferers who are given a placebo will report having less pain. The mind is that powerful and the scientific community knows it. Changing your mind will change your life. Many of your limiting beliefs are not unique to you; our culture suffers from a long-standing epidemic of crappy shared beliefs. Most of us, at some level, harbor the same fears, the same tragic self-doubts, and the same profound longings to be liberated from our self-made prisons. In our outer circumstances, we may vary greatly, but at deeper levels, this is seldom the case. If you aren’t living the precisely blissful, richly textured life you crave, take the steps to discover which of your beliefs are keeping you from it and what you can do about that.

9. Dream loudly.

Stop limiting yourself according to what seems practical. Practical goals do not inspire enough passion to propel you toward their certain fruition. As John F. Kennedy wisely surmised, “The problems of the world cannot possibly be solved by skeptics or cynics whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities. We need men who can dream of things that never were.” Be those men (and women.).

10. Live passionately.

Once you’ve done the self-examination work to uncover your most delicious desires, don’t pussyfoot toward them. Hurl yourself recklessly in their direction! Trust that the Universe wildly adores you and is always orchestrating on your behalf. It’s been waiting for you to get pumped and grow a pair so that it could swoop in with divine assistance that will leave you breathless.

The power of positive thinking.

If you put out into the world that the tax plan by 45 is catastrophic, that times are tough, that business is slow across the board...then you will reap something lacking in luster -- on the contrary if you put out a successful mindset, positivity, helpful and willingness to pull others up too...guess what is going to happen..

Every. Fucking. Time.

Try it...21 days (how long it takes to make a new habit) Show gratitude, show a positive outlook, do proactive things to better your situation...21 days...without fail. YOU WILL SEE A DIFFERENCE

Take a break with Bob Ross and me

Just listening to him is so peaceful. Take a break and enjoy!

Take a moment for yourself -- candle and music

Santa Baby.....Gwen Stefani is set to be the next Christmas Queen.

So super kawaii!!! (that means cute)

and...



You make it feel like Christmas with Blake Shelton....

Can't believe with the length of her career (including No Doubt) that she is just releasing a cd...but totally worth the wait.

Thanks for the great music Gwen.

a rant about 45...it's rarely that I do it ....but

Ok first...

Peegate...he had to go to Russia to pay to get peed on?!?!

C'mon make America great again!!!! Hit a LEGAL repeat LEGAL brothel in Nevada...pay the money...done and done discreetly!!!

MAGA

now...about the tax code...

about health care....

about your racist ways....

about you grabbing them by the pussy....

Lily Allen - Fuck you (official) from AB/CD/CD on Vimeo.

oi this next generation -- millennials seriously need a waaambulance and a tissue for their issue!

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Dick pics? Size Matters?? Oh My!!!

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lost in binaural

one has to wonder...hypnosis...binaural beats...what can happen if we let go...?

I mean really let go...

here's a "hands free binaural masturbation for men" SOMEONE TRY IT AND GIVE ME FEEDBACK!!!!

so whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

Here is another one from the search terms list: “how to please your Dominant”.

Let us back up just a little bit. What happens in a Dominant/submissive relationship? One thing that happens, or should happen, is that the Dominant learns about the submissive. The Dominant should always be learning as much as possible about her submissive. Learn about him as a person, as a submissive, as a sexual being, as a spiritual being. Learn about him who he is, what he likes, how he thinks how he feels, everything about him that a Dominant can know. Reciprocally, the submissive should be learning all she can about his Dominant.
The submissive should learn the Dominant’s likes and dislikes. The submissive should ask when he does not know what those might be in a situation. He should study the Dominant to see when she is pleased and when she is displeased. I recommend submissives keep journals to help them keep track of what things please their Dominants. But that is not all.
Once you learn a thing pleases your Dominant, practice it. Get better at it. This will please your Dominant not just because you do it better, but because your taking time to become better at it for her will be pleasing.

Hello from the other side

beautiful song...take a moment and listen.

some fun Milovana countdown to Cummas!!

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how to share your fantasies

ometimes sharing your fantasies is as easy as, “hey, I’m into XYZ. Want to do it with me?” But not all of us have that level of comfort with our desires. Here’s how to feel more at ease divulging your fantasies.

Get Comfortable with Those Fantasies First

It’s really hard to ask someone to do something with you in bed if you don’t feel fully comfortable with what you’re asking for. Just like the old, “you have to love yourself first before you can let someone else love you” adage, you have to honor your fantasies if you want someone to else to treat them with respect!

Part of having a healthy adult sex life is taking the time to explore our desires and learn what turns us on, without judgment. Think through your fantasies on your own (perhaps while you’re masturbating), and try to get a sense of what lights your fire. It might be helpful for you to differentiate between your fantasies and your desires. Fantasies are the things you think about that turn you on. Desires are the things you actually want to happen. You might fantasize about having sex in public, but not actually ever want to do it. Sometimes making that differentiation can make it easier to acknowledge what turns us on.

From there, try simply saying out loud what you’re interested in. It’s not like you need to nail down every exact detail, but try something simple like “I like being dominated” or “I want to have a threesome.” Repeat until you start to feel more comfortable with the words. Give yourself permission to have your fantasies and desires. All of us have been taught to be ashamed of our sexualities in one way or another, so this can be a challenging step for some people. Just try saying to yourself, “I give myself permission to be turned on by this.”

These steps may sound a little silly at first, but they make a huge difference in your relationship with your sexuality, and in your ability to advocate for your own desires. The way you relate to your fantasies will define how your partner will respond to them. If you turn beet red and stammer your way through asking for anal, your partner is going to feel your discomfort, and they’ll be less likely to go along with your request. But if you’re able to ask confidently and clearly, your partner will instantly feel more at ease.

Don’t Overanalyze Your Fantasies

The very word “fantasy” makes a lot of people nervous, so they wind up making their fantasies seem like a bigger deal than they really are. A fantasy is just something that turns you on in your mind. Sure, you can have a detailed dungeon torture fantasy, but you can also have a fantasy as simple as “I want to have sex with the lights on.” You can also be unsure about your fantasies. For example, you may be curious about having an orgy, but not sure if you’d actually like it in reality.

You also don’t need to try to make sense of why you have a particular fantasy or what it “says about you” that some particular thing turns you on. Remember, fantasies don’t always overlap with desires. But even if you do want to try out a fantasy in real life, there’s still no need to judge it. Rape fantasies are a classic example: being raped is one of the top five fantasies for women, but having a rape fantasy doesn’t mean you actually want to be raped in real life. It also doesn’t make you a crazy person or a bad feminist.

Sure, sometimes there are clear reasons why we have specific fantasies. You might be able to identify that you’re into the dynamic of letting go of control since you have so much control over every other aspect of your life. Sometimes we have a fantasy specifically because it’s so different from how we would allow ourselves to act in the real world. But not every fantasy has a clear explanation, and the bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter. If something turns you on, if it’s happening between consenting adults, and if no one’s being hurt (against their will), it’s fine.

Figure Out When to Ask

Everyone has different relationships with their fantasies. For some people, they’re the cherry on top of the sundae but not the main event. If that’s the case for you, it may be better to wait a while before bringing your fantasies up with a new partner. Give yourselves the opportunity to get comfortable and familiar with each other before you start sharing more personal details about your interests.

For other people, fantasies are more front and center. Some people can’t be sexually satisfied unless they have a very particular kind of sex. If incompatibility with your fantasies is a deal-breaker for you, you may find it best to share your fantasies sooner rather than later. Let your partner know, “this is what I’m looking for. I don’t want to waste either of our time if you’re not interested in that.” You may even want to use a service like Adult Friend Finder or Fetlife to put all your cards on the table.

If you’re really afraid of your partner’s reaction, try easing your way into it. If you’re into sensation play, ask your partner of they’d be into using a massage oil candle before you whip out the Wartenburg wheel. You can also try using leading questions to gauge their potential reactions. For example, “I read about this thing on the internet today. Have you ever thought about doing something like that?” Or try watching porn or reading erotica that has some aspect of your fantasy in it, and see how your partner reacts.

It’s also worth mentioning that you don’t have to share every aspect of your private fantasy world with your partner, even if you’re in a serious relationship. You may have fantasies that you’re not actually interested in indulging. We all have the right to a little privacy when it comes to our fantasies! Like, say, when you fantasize about other people. No matter how much you love your partner, you’re going to fantasize about other people on occasion. This isn’t cheating, and there’s no need to “confess”! It’s up to you to decide how much of your fantasy world to share, but a simple guideline is to only divulge the things you actually want to try.

Tell Your Partner Why You Want to Do It With Them

For a lot of people, hearing a partner’s fantasy can bring up insecurity. It’s easy to go to a place of not feeling like you’re “enough” for your partner.

One simple way to get around this is to share the specific reasons why you want to act out your fantasy with them. Maybe you’ve never met someone you trusted as much as your current partner. Maybe they’re the only person who has helped you feel safe enough to explore your fantasies. Maybe they look exactly like a character you used to fantasize about as a horny teenager. Maybe you can’t get the thought of her beautiful breasts wrapped up with bondage tape out of your mind, or his strong arms pinning you down. Whatever it is, share with your partner why they are a crucial part of your fantasy instead of just playing a role that any other person could play.

Try These Lines

Still feeling stumped? Here are some easy prompts to get you started:

“You know what sounds really hot to me?” “There’s this thing I’ve always wanted to try, but I’ve been waiting until I found the right person.”
“I would love to see you doing...”
“What did you fantasize about when you were a teenager?”
“Have you ever thought about doing...”
“I saw this movie that had a scene where the actors were doing... Would you ever do something like that?”
“How do you feel about...”
“I’m not sure I’d actually like this, but I’ve always been a little curious about trying...”

Even if the thought of sharing your fantasy has got you stressed, remember that your partner’s reaction to your disclosure says a lot about whether they’re worthy of your time and affection. Do they treat your fantasy with respect? Do they listen to you without judgment? Are they willing to at least consider your request? Sharing your fantasies is a great way to gauge your long-term compatibility with someone.

Eproctophilia

fart fetish

Eproctophilia (fart fetish) is a sexual fetish, most commonly in straight men in which they receive arousal from their partner's flatulence. It is sometimes seen as a lighter form of coprophilia, aka scat. Unlike scat however, there are no health risks involved.

Not all eproctophiles enjoy the notorious cake farts. In fact, several of them are just as grossed out as normal people and only a slim minority of them like it. Instead, the majority of them enjoy the smell and/or sound their partner's farts make.

The more you know!

Pour it up...

Where 50 shades went really really wrong.

Consent:

Christian consistently forces and manipulates consent out of the innocent, young, virginal Anna. In one scene Christian uses alcohol to gain consent out of Anna. There is nothing ethical about drawing consent out of someone that is not sober. Christian gains consent out of Anna by playing on her fear of losing him when he presents her with a contract that she either has to sign or get out of his life. That is not true consent and there is no room for negotiation. When we manipulate what we desire by pushing on the fear of loss or making it about “if you really cared about me….you would do this or that” we are forcing consent.

In a healthy Bd/Sm relationship consent is either given out of a place of safety and desire or not. An experienced ethical Dominant in the Bd/Sm scene would never force consent unless that was a game that the partners were playing called “Consensual Non Consent” when the players consent to “being forced”. Consent is a big deal in the Bd/Sm community and Christian never took the workshop! There is nothing more shunned in Bd/Sm Community than forcing or manipulating consent except perhaps a violation of ignoring “Safe Words” and Christian does that too.

Safe Words:

In healthy, safe, sane and consensual Bd/Sm “Safe Words” are holy. They allow the “submissive” to communicate with the Dominate in a very direct way. “Red” means stop. “Yellow” means slow down. Of course any words can be chosen and agreed upon. And here is the golden rule. When a submissive or Dominant says “Red” it means HARD STOP. Christian not only ignored Anna’s safe word in one scene but he expressed anger at her need to hold her own boundaries. That is sexual abuse and assault. That is not Bd/Sm. Submissive’s may withdraw their consent at any time. In Fifty Shades, Anna actually begins to hide things from Christian out of fear of his jealousy and anger. To me, this is fifty shades of an abusive, dysfunctional relationship that has very little to do with Bd/Sm.

After Care:

Bd/Sm can be an intense experience for both the Dominant and the submissive. After some intense play “after care” which can include holding, cuddling, processing, and quiet time together is very important. Christian in more than one scene denies after care to Anna.

So what is the take away here? I think that Bd/Sm is powerful, delicious and sexy! And perhaps learning the “Rules of the Game” from a novel may not be the best step! There are fabulous “How to” books out there like “The Topping Book” and “The Bottoming Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. There are workshops and conferences where you can learn “the ropes”! There are even private sessions available by professionals that teach and offer these experiences one on one or with couples.

If Fifty Shades of Grey turned you on; then great! It certainly exposed a great many people to what is possible in the world of kink. And let’s face it – some of the scenes are very sexy. But it’s fiction and not a very good template or role model for any “Dom” wanna be, or “Submissive” interesting in exploring the world of Bd/Sm.

http://betterafter50.com/2014/08/whats-wrong-with-fifty-shades-of-grey/

Gimme bath stuff!!!!

mistressdj@gmail.com

Wishlist mania -- shop for me please!

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